"i don't know"

i am so excited. packing has been crazy. i've been painting the house trying to fill in every last ding (to no avail of course) and i can just feel all the years of yearning for this baby coming to an end. but really, it's a beginning. the end of the wait, the start of our new life together as a family.

i keep imagining seeing her for the first time. the big doe eyes in person. i have silly fantasies she recognizes us from the pictures we sent and she runs up to us with open arms. no hesitation, no fear. just glee. but i think i do this little story in my head so i can get that expectation out of my system. sometimes the kids i've had since birth aren't even that happy to see me. and she doesn't know us. other than a few pictures she doesn't know anything about us at all.

it's also presumptuous to think that we as her waiting family know her. we know ABOUT her. we know what she looks like. we know what she eats. we know her nap schedule. we know what has been described as her "usual temperament." but we don't know her smell, or what it's like to touch her skin. we don't know the sound of her laugh or the pitch of her cry. we don't know if she's a messy eater. we don't know her favorite book. there are so many things to catch up on. it's meeting our daughter for the first time when she's already had her whole life up until this point without us. bizarre concept.

the boys are excited. they too have fantasies about what having a little sister is going to be like. my youngest is excited about being a big brother finally. the middle is excited to get out of the middle. the oldest is excited to have yet another younger sibling admire him. sometimes they gather in the pinkness of her room and wrestle. i look at it kind of like a dog peeing on a favorite tree.

i asked my oldest what he thought the best part would be. he asked, "are we going to have barbies?" yes. (i know, after my bathing suit dilemma maybe there is a tinge of hypocrisy. but i loved barbies and i never cared as a girl, teen or woman that i didn't have that waist, those boobs or that perky behind.) "are we going to have pink things?" yes. "are there going to be poopy diapers?" yes. he thought for a minute and then answered, "then i don't know." and then we both laughed. i don't know either but i am wholeheartedly looking forward to finding out.